to wear my scars like
they never existed
to wear my bruises like
pats on the back
to be numb
to the pain of the healing process
to love my broken pieces
the empty parts of me
back into the masterpiece
that I’ve always been
with or without you
Is it bad that I “trust” you yet allow my mind to second guess everything that you say..? Continuously thinking, over analyzing every statement that comes from between those lips. It’s just so hard to tell if it’s the truth this time OR maybe there’s a clue in there that tells me it’s a lie that I cant possibly miss. Is it bad that I have allowed someone that “loves” me to break me into pieces, bits and bits..? And as long as you said you were sorry I’ve allowed you spread these hips. So embarrassing. Now what do they call me…? I’ve heard a few say in-denial, stupid and one delusional bitch. Which I cant fight now, but that was one hell of tip back then. Bold enough to refer to me as a delusional bitch, when I was hurt and vulnerable just waiting for reality to finally hit. Its funny because 3 months back that girl was going through the same shit. And I cant lie, when reality hit, it really hit me. But not hard enough if I’m still willing to sit my ass on the same seat, not knowing if I will be able to walk on my own two feet if this relationship doesn’t restore the way I plan it to be.
p.s. Just a five minute quick write because I’m having doubts & I felt like I should let a few things out.
You Didn’t Love Me,
You Just Enjoyed My Presence.
Maybe You Couldn’t Stand Silence,
You Just Didn’t Want To Be Alone.
Maybe I Was Just Good Enough For Your Ego.
Maybe I Made You Feel Better About Your Gloomy Life,
But You Didn’t Love Me.
Because You Don’t Destroy People You Love.
p.s. also written sometime in January
That the first time I fall in love,
it will change me forever.
No matter how hard I try,
that feel just never goes away.
I believe you brother.
p.s. this was written in January but I’m just getting around to posting it.
One of the hardest things to do is letting go of something that you hoped would last a lifetime. Love blinds you. We’re human, full of emotions & it’s normal to follow your heart. We act on feelings. It’s okay that reality doesn’t hit you immediately. Holding on to “toxic” people because your heart told you to doesn’t make you dumb. Trust me, I’ve once felt like an idiot too. But eventually I learned that it’s okay & having a pure heart doesn’t make me a “stupid” person. Sometimes we can’t help but to find light in a dark situation. Soon enough you will realize the same. All it means is that you love hard. Just know your worth and how much pain your willing to tolerate. Never settle. It can take awhile for your heart to catch up to your brain. But when it does, follow that instinct without a doubt in mind.
p.s. this was written on January 11, 2018
My initial plan was to keep you guys updated at least once every week. But my life got hectic real fast. The semester was ending so I had to focus on my grades, I started working & then obstacles I never thought I’d have to face was thrown at me. I’m kind of a mess right now but I’m learning to manage. With that being said, I’m back. I may not be at my best but I soon get there. Sorry for the long wait, a few pieces that I wrote throughout January will be uploaded tonight ! I’m going to attempt to be consistent with posting.
Love is not about how many days, months or years you have been together. Love is about how much you love each other every single day. Time is no greater than effort. I’m thankful for your unconditional love & support. Thank you for sharing some good times & bearing hard ones. Thank you for trusting and forgiving. The past 11 months have been a bit rocky but definitely the best. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anyone besides you. I love you.
– Your Simba
“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world- because you realize there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” – Zayn Malik
As the month end, it’s important to reflect. Looking back on my achievements & “failure” gives me sense of my next steps. November wasn’t the best month, but it was good to me. Somehow I survived through midterm exams. Enjoyed Thanksgiving. Accomplished goals & set new ones. Faced battles & conquered them. Til I See You Next Year.. thanks November.
6 things you should refrain from saying to me :
- “Who is the man in the relationship ?” We’re both females, clearly there isn’t a man. Some people in society always feel the need to apply gender roles. We can coexist with the influence of a male in our relationship.
- “How do you know you’re a lesbian if you never had sex with a boy?” Its deeper than sex.
- “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian” Are lesbians supposed to be ugly? I find this comment extremely ignorant.
- “You don’t look like a lesbian” OR “You don’t seem gay” I forgot there’s a specific way we’re supposed to look or act. It’s intended to be a compliment but is actually an insult.
- “How’s your friend?” No, she is more than just a friend. She’s my girlfriend, I’d like for you to refer to her as what she is. This normally comes from people older than me. Acknowledging lesbian relationships isn’t a crime.
- “I can turn you straight.” Umm no you cant. I feel like this is the most disrespectful thing someone could say and it always come from an arrogant boy. Full of himself.
p.s. I understand that people are curious but I feel like there are certain comments and questions that shouldn’t be vocalized, out of respect and privacy.
Don’t be eye candy, be soul food.
p.s. So many attractive people exists but not many of them are actually interesting. Stop chasing what the human mind wants, and let the person’s soul speak. Intellect and long-term contentment is better than temporary satisfaction. Remember, once that sugar rush is gone you’ll be longing for a new one.